It’s February. The month of love. And love is everywhere, in the air, in the supermarkets and on the streets, in restaurants and on the internet. Everywhere but your life. The month of love finds you single. Maybe it’s not the first time, maybe you’ve lost count how many years you’ve been single in this month of love. It feels like you just survived December as a single and now February is here. Could it get any worse?!
For most of us being single is not something good. It means we are lonely, that nobody loves us and we feel miserable. It’s a concept that’s been engrained in our minds for centuries. Especially for us as women, being single was never something to be encouraged, it was always more of a tragedy. But what if we could look at this period of our lives in a different way? What if we could see the positives and the opportunities of being single?
Single does not equal lonely
OK, let’s set things straight from the beginning. Single does not equal loneliness. And if for you it does, you’re doing it the wrong way. You do not depend on anyone to bring you happiness. You are responsible for your happiness. Don’t give that strength to anyone else. Loneliness is a more a state of mind that anything else. You choose to feel lonely.
And don’t get me wrong, as humans we are social creatures. We need to interact with other people. But the fact that you don’t have a significant other on Valentine’s Day, doesn’t mean you can’t interact with others. If you have at least one other single girlfriend, your troubles are fixed girls. Go have fun. Explore the city.
No single friends? No problem. Go have fun! There are a lot of places where you can go. You can make it the month when you start a new healthy habit. Go to the gym. Try that yoga studio you’ve been eyeing for a while. On a budget? Stay at home and pamper yourself. You can create your own mini home spa with very few ingredients. You can find more suggestions on what to do when you stay at home in my blog post What to do when the holidays are not happy.
Do you love yourself?
Leaving aside what to do in February as a single, let’s talk about this in general. I’m talking here to the ladies who’ve been single for a while, who can’t seem to find the right person no matter how hard they try. You want love, you look for love, you think that if you’ll find this guy to love you for all you are, everything will be perfect.
But you know what the problem is here? How can someone love you, if you don’t love yourself? You expect someone to see in you things you don’t see in yourself. I have some sad news for you, my dear: that’s not gonna happen. Well, OK, it might happen. Prince charming might come and see the real you, the one you hardly show anywhere because you’re too busy hating her. But chances of that happening are slim. It’s a reason they are called fairytales.
You have to love and accept yourself before anyone else can. You have to allow your light to shine so that it can attract the type of people you deserve. Otherwise, if you keep deeming your light, if you keep pretending to be something you’re not, you will attract the wrong type of people. And you’ll end up somewhere in the relationship realizing this isn’t the right person. You are not comfortable with this relationship. How could you be? They didn’t come towards the real you. They came towards your mask. And they like that mask. But you are not that mask.
Use your singleness to work on you
Instead of hating this period of your life, use it to your advantage. Being with someone is great, but sometimes real soul work and growth need to be done while we’re on our own. So use your singleness to that advantage. Allow yourself to grow. If you can, I suggest traveling solo. For me, this has always been an amazing therapy. It allowed me to truly grow as a person, to see new places and meet new people. If you don’t want or cannot travel solo, it’s OK. You don’t need to go anywhere. Focus on you. Learn who you really are, follow your passions. Get healthy, start writing, join a bookclub (even an online one), learn something new. Read more, laugh more. Call an old friend. See how she’s doing.
Be comfortable with yourself
Be comfortable being single. Yes, really! Trust me, when you will be comfortable with yourself, when you’ll be comfortable and happy being on your own, you’ll be able to meet someone who will truly love you. At that moment, you’ll be able to attract the right type of person. You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. It all comes back to what I said in the beginning of this post. You can’t wait for someone to make you happy. You have to choose happiness. And your happiness will attract more happiness.
Allow yourself to heal
Don’t dwell in past hurts. Don’t wait for someone to come and magically heal you. While it’s true that you might not be able to heal yourself, you need to allow yourself to heal. To be ready to let go. So get ready! Use this time on your own to nurture yourself. Also, let time be… time. And let it heal you. While time may not heal all wounds, it is a good healer. Release what can be released on your own, accept what cannot be changed and allow healing to happen. Because in that moment, you’ll allow real love to happen.