Not too long after this decision, I started going out with friends again. I went out for lunch with my co-workers, I went on a date for dinner. There were days when thoughts of guilt came crawling back to me. But every time I focused on the good part – finally I wasn’t alone anymore. I actually had a life again. I went to the restaurant and order what I was craving, whatever that was. And I felt good and laughed with friends while eating.
Did I still gain weight? Absolutely. Was I eating healthy? NO! I know that wasn’t ok. I was going to the other end of unhealthy, after going close to anorexia and then binge-eating disorder. But my body and my mind needed that. I needed to regain my happiness, no matter what. And that is what I did.
I don’t remember exactly when the shift happened. One day, as I was at the grocery store, I was attracted to the fruits and veggies. I was craving a salad! Without even thinking about it I bought all the fruits and veggies I wanted, went home and made myself one big salad.
The days that followed I realized I was actually craving healthier foods. I was out for lunch with my co-workers and again I wanted a salad. Then after a few days I wanted dessert after the salad. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was truly healing at that point. My body was, after so many years, functioning properly again. It had left behind the years of abuse and needed a healthy, balanced diet. I won’t lie, I had days when I wanted to start counting calories again, now that I could eat salads. But I resisted. I was feeling good, I was happy. And finally, I knew this mattered more than anything else.
Slowly, my energy levels begun to rise as well. And I was eating a balanced diet, I actually didn’t feel like a balloon all the time. So somehow, somewhere along that line, I start feeling like I wanted to work out again. I started slowly, with yoga and swimming. I didn’t feel like sweating so I kept it easy. I did what felt good. It would be a little over a year until I’d want to actually hit the gym again. But I took the time. I did not rush it. And today I can honestly say I’m in my best shape ever.